i was lying, because i think the color green looks dumb on carpet.

by malenkaya is erin

in my head,
i would often toy with the idea of us meeting
accidentally and awkwardly
under the most random
of circumstances
where we would then
stumble through hellos
and how have you beens

but eventually smile and slide back into
easy conversation

except that
we live too far away
for that to ever happen
for us to casually
bump into each other
at a Walgreens or a Best Buy somewhere

so when we do see each other
it's planned in advance
and knowing that i worry
and i worry about looking pretty
enough for you to pay some attention

but maybe that's to be expected
when we hadn't seen each other for months
(and also considering
our past.)

anyway, when i walked
into your basement that day
everything had been redone and rearranged
the TV was in the wrong place
and the walls were green
to match the carpet
which was green too, just a lighter shade

your dad asked me what i thought

(i thought

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG
with your son but i hope someone finds out soon
and
a part of me still just really wants to tear out his throat
then he can just seduce girls with sign language instead!)

i said, it looks nice, and
WHAT GREAT COLORS!

later i found myself looking for excuses to walk away
to the bathroom or to walk outside or to back downstairs to
sit on the couch
just so i wouldn't have to stand alone with you
alone and way too close
and too familiar
but when you cornered me like you did
in the hallway, taking up my hands in yours
like you used to
i froze
when you got close
and i mumbled something
and i ran back downstairs.

later, you said you were only trying to kiss me
on the cheek
i said sure, okay
(but considering our past
and that it's past
tell me,
with your lips so close to my neck,
how was that necessary?)