"I don't know how long regret existed before human beings stuck a word on it." Jeffrey McDaniel

Erin bird

--

Forgiveness
is a different word
now that I'm the one
who needs it.

I imagine how
the word would taste
on my tongue
while I say it:

"forgiveness", formerly
a sweet and sensible thing:
raw in its seeming
inevitability.
the only option:
to make sense
out of a betrayal,
to make excuses
for deliberate acts,
diminish the rage
into something
more practical,
and less hurtful.

the difference
between holding on to you
and holding something
against you,
between us.
weighing in my hands
which I valued more,
and then choosing you.

the difference
between my truth
and your truth.

I realize now
that asking for forgiveness
is not the same
as saying "I'm sorry."
I know that we will never
see truth
and therefore, forgiveness
in the same way.

I could never vilify you.
I hope that you are also unable
to vilify me,
but this is not asking
for forgiveness either.

I understand why you need these walls.
it makes me wonder why
I let mine fall
so easily.

untitled

i never wanted to know
the difference between a wake and a funeral.
but i do.

not because my curiosity
is sated by morbidity.
but because i am unfortunately knowledgeable
and sadly experience in the formalities of deaths
of people who were taken too soon.

i never wanted to know
the difference between making love and fucking.
but i do.

and not because i spend my free time
watching movies of women who's water and plastic contents are equal.
but because i have gone to bed with men
who are thinking of prettier girls they could have had
if they didn't settle on me.

i never wanted to know
the difference between the look of a liar and a straight-shooter.
but i do.

because like smile lines,
there are so many lies to tell
before those lies start to dig into your skin.
and i can't tell if its pathetic, or useful
that i can tell the difference.

and Life is just a series of learning things
i didn't want to know.